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Facebook Users We Like To Avoid

Article # 431 

Here and now we all have experienced the social phenom known as Facebook, if not, you probably won’t be reading this article then, but for the sake of categorizing the social online world, I present to you my list of ‘Facebook Users We Like to Avoid‘.

LikeThe “Update Bore-aholic”

I’m waking up.” “I had tofu pancakes for breakfast.” “I’m so bored at work.” “I’m stuck in traffic, and need a drink.

Holy crap, how fascinating your posts and updates are (not). Nothing is too mundane for this type of user to broadcast every single action that happens on a whim. People, just because you have nothing better to do with your time than to broadcast your every single move with the thought that it was the next terrific thing to happen to you – try reading a book, or better yet, get a hobby that doesn’t include using anything electronic.

The “Self-Promoter”

OK, so we’ve probably all posted at least once about some achievement in our lives. Sure, maybe your friends really do want to read the fascinating article you wrote about Argentinian ant farming. But when almost every update is a link to your blog,  your lyrics listings,  or your drab art show, you sound like a bragger or a self-centered careerist, which is a real turn-off.

The “Friend” horde

The average Facebook / Twitter user has about 120 friends on the site.  The social butterflies — you know, the ones who make life-long pals on the downtown bus — might reasonably have 300 or 400. But to have over 1,000 “friends?” Unless you’re The Pope or just won the lottery,  no one has that many friends. That’s just showing off, and it shows how shallow you are to the world that you would accept anyone that requests a friend or Follower.

The Town Crier

“Michael Jackson is dead!!!” You heard it from me first!
Me, and the 213,000 gazillion other people who all saw it on CNN. These users are the reason many of us learn of breaking news not from TV or news sites but from online social networks. In their rush to trumpet the news, these people also spread rumors, half-truths and innuendo. Users such as this are why Snopes.com is doing so well.

The T.M.I. Over-do-it’er

“Chad is heading to Walgreens to buy something for my pesky hemorrhoids.”

The boundaries of privacy and decorum don’t seem to exist for these too-much-information up daters, who offer up every personal detail about their sex lives, marital troubles and bodily functions. Thanks for sharing,  time to drop you now, perhaps block you too.

The Really Bad Grammarian

“So sad about Fara Fauset but Im so gladd its friday yippeeee”.

Yes, I realize that the punctuation rules are different in the digital world. That doesn’t make it correct. No one likes a spelling-Nazi schoolmarm, but you sound like a friggin’ moron and you don’t care one tinker’s cuss what you say even if we can’t understand what you posted because you probably don’t either.  Your family always “likes” your broadcast, so you don’t get upset.

The Sympathy-Baiter

“Barbara is feeling sad today.” “Man, am I glad that’s over.” “Jim could really use some good news about now.”

Like anglers hunting for fish, these sad sacks cast out their hooks — baited with vague tales of woe — in the hopes of landing concerned responses. Genuine bad news is one thing, but these manipulative posts are just pleas for attention. You keep a box of kleenex next to your laptop, don’t you.

The Stalk-Lurker-undead-leecher

The true “Peeping Toms of Facebook”, these users are too cautious, or maybe too lazy (most likely too drunk), to update their status or write on your wall. But once in a while, you’ll be talking to them and they’ll mention something you posted, so you know they’re on your page, hiding in the shadows. It’s really a little creepy, actually, very creepy.

The “Face-Cranks”

“Jose isn’t really that impressed with those idiots who don’t realize how idiotic they are.”

These curmudgeons, like the trolls who spew hate in several blog comments, never seem to run out of things they couldn’t complain about.  Just keep spreading the love…

The Paparazzo

Have you ever visited your Facebook page to find that someone’s posted a photo of you from last weekend’s party — a photo you haven’t even seen? You’d really rather not have to explain to your wife why you were leering like a drunken hyena and French-kissing a bottle of Jagermeister at an office party. Avoid these users like the PLAGUE.

The Obscurist

“If not now then when?” “You’ll see…” “Peter is, small world.” “Dave thought he was immune, but no. No, he is not. And I don’t wish this for the world.”

I’m sorry, you’re not being mysterious — just nonsensical – now shut the hell up! Oh, wait here’s a button for that…

The Chronic Inviter

“Support my cause. Sign my petition. Play Mafia Wars with me. Which ‘Star Trek’ character are you? I sent you a heart! Here are the ‘Top 5 cars I have personally owned.’ Here are ’25 Things About Me.’ Here’s a drink. What drink are you? We’re related! I took the ‘What President Are You?’ quiz and found out I’m Millard Fillmore! What president are you? Which Smurf are you?”

You probably mean well, but stop. Just stop!  I don’t care what president I am — can’t we simply be friends?

LikeThe Chronic Zynger

This user’s profile page is just littered with broadcasts from every Zynga Game they make. Nothing but game broadcasts, and more game achievements and advertisements for joining in the ‘fun’ and playing games. Instant drop when those alerts begin creeping into my wall on my account.

Now excuse me while I go post the link to this story on my Facebook page.